Barbecue

The southwest desert on a clear night in December is cold, and the sun disappears quickly. Even the more popular camping areas in the wilderness are deserted at this time of year. The less popular ones, those that are more remote and accessible only by four wheel drive, are absolutely abandoned.

However, some campers are hard corps.

In one of those more remote sites, two men spent a day hiking nearby hills and exploring various arroyos. Late in the afternoon, they were getting their gear situated for the evening. It was the same routine campers always followed in this part of the wilderness. Explore and hike. Eat a bite. Then settle in for the evening to talk for awhile.

Just after sundown, Dave set up his cot at the rear of the pickup, then rolled out his sleeping mat on top of it. After he put his sleeping bag down and rolled it out on the mat, he went to the front of the pickup and retrieved his quilted down jacket. It was a shade of khaki, a little darker than his cargo pants and a little lighter than his shirt.

He shrugged it on and thought about zipping it up but decided to wait. It wasn’t that cold yet.

Robert had been busy on the other side of the pickup as well. When it came time, he would roll out his sleeping mat next to the front tire on the passenger side of the pickup. The wind generally came from that direction through the night. He would put his blanket roll on top of the mat.

He never used a sleeping bag. Too bulky. When he was ready for bed, if he thought it was necessary, he would take off his blue jean jacket and roll it up for a pillow. But for now he was wearing it against the chill in the air.

He glanced at Dave, who had just put on his down jacket. Robert shook his head. That jacket was too warm. Later the man would sweat and be colder than he would have been with only a shirt. No telling what it might take to get him warmed up again.

He shrugged and moved off to dig a fire pit. All that coat stuff, it wasn’t his business. Live and learn.

He put in a good pit, about two feet across and two feet deep, then scouted around for some deadfall. Finally he built a fire and settled in. There were lawn chairs in the back of the pickup under the shell. Maybe Dave would bring them over. But the ground was all right too.

Dave came over and settled near the fire as well. He drew up his right knee, then crossed his left leg under it. He pressed his left hand against the ground to his side and draped his right forearm over his right knee. He leaned his head back to look at the night sky. “Sure is pretty, isn’t it?”

“Yep. It is that. And deep too, like it goes on forever.” Robert paused. “Well, I guess maybe it does, at that.” He shifted his position, getting a little more comfortable. Then he said, “Hey, I got a question for you.” And then he asked his question. It was a really strange question, one that had no business being spoken aloud on a perfectly clear, clean December night.

Dave frowned. He thought he had heard Robert right, but surely he hadn’t. “What?” He leaned forward slightly. His glare was so indignant he could feel it in his own eyes. Had the man actually said that? “What’d you say? I can’t believe I heard you right.”

Robert shifted again so his knees were bent and his legs were crossed at the ankles. Both forearms were on his knees. They used to call that sitting Indian style. He laughed lightly. “Nah, I bet you heard me okay.” Robert leaned forward slightly, then reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a cigarette pack. He tapped one into his left hand. “Hey, it ain’t nothin’ but a question. Nothin’ to worry about or get all upset about.”

He replaced the pack and withdrew a Zippo lighter with his right hand as he clamped down on the cigarette between his lips.

“Nothing to get upset about? Seriously? I mean, who even thinks like that?” Dave shook his head. Then more quietly, he said, “Jeez, man, have you always had thoughts like that?”

The Zippo clinked as Robert flipped open the top and spun the strike wheel with his thumb. As he brought the lighter nearer his lips, cupping the flame with his left hand, he laughed quietly. He cocked the cigarette up at an angle with his lips and touched the flame to the end of it.

When the cigarette was lit, he clanked the lighter shut. With the cigarette still between his lips, he shrugged and said, “I just wondered if you ever thought about it, that’s all.” He dropped the Zippo into his shirt pocket, then forked the cigarette with two fingers and took it out of his mouth.

He spat lightly to one side, as if expelling a bit of tobacco from his lip. Then he gestured vaguely with the cigarette, and the glowing tip left a fleeting circular image on the sky for a moment. “You know, I mean when we’re out like this.”

Dave looked at the campfire and shook his head. He muttered, “Jesus, Robert. Where the hell is this coming from on such a pretty night? And us way out here in the middle of nowhere?”

Robert took another drag off the cigarette, then draped his forearm over his knee, the cigarette still dangling from his fingers. “Well, that’s the whole point, ain’t it? Us bein’ out in the middle of nowhere, I mean. We’re in a strange area out here, an’ there’s a strange town close by. It’s what, maybe twenty miles?”

“Fifteen.”

“Yeah, see. Fifteen miles. Thing is, we got no connection with that town at all. No connection with nobody in it. An’ then the town, it ain’t got no connection with us either.”

The frown still in place, Dave shook his head again slightly, then sighed. “Okay, everything else aside, there are connections, Robert. I stopped for gas at that Sunoco, remember? And we stopped on our way out of town and ate breakfast at Mamacita’s Cocina. Remember that?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember.” Robert took another drag off his cigarette, then exhaled a fine stream of blue-silver smoke. It streaked across the black void for an instant and disappeared. “An’ you paid cash in both them places, didn’t you? Matter of fact, seems like you always pay cash, Dave. You know that?”

Dave averted his gaze. Quietly he said, “Yeah, I know it.” Frustration crept into his voice. “Why wouldn’t I know it?” But why would Robert notice such things?

“That’s right. See, an’ that right there’s prob’ly what got me started thinkin’ about all this. I mean, who pays cash ever’ time for ever’thing? Not that there’s anything wrong with it, y’understand. Just gotta be a reason, that’s all. An’ I’m just sayin’, maybe that reason— you know, whatever it is— maybe that reason’s what got me thinkin’ might be somethin’ a little odd goin’ through that head’a yours.”

Dave said, “That’s all bullshit and you know it. Thoughts like that— you can’t blame thoughts like that on other people. And that was your thought, compadre, not mine. Maybe instead of concentrating on my habits so closely, you ought’a be psychoanalyzing yourself. Did you ever think about that? Maybe there’s a few wires crossed in your own brain. Maybe you ought’a just—”

He stopped, shook his head, then shifted his gaze down to the fire. He watched it, watched the flames leap, flicker and die. Soon he looked as if he was becoming part of it. Why was he letting this man’s crap bother him so much? Finally, quietly, he said, “Anyway, to answer your question, no, I’ve never thought about doing something like that. Some things— some things you just don’t think about doing.”

He hesitated for a moment, then glanced up. His brow wrinkled again. “Where you get off asking me something like that anyway, Robert? You don’t ask a guy something like that just because of what you think are his spending habits.”

Robert shrugged. “Hey, we buds, Daveo. Ain’t we? That don’t mean we gotta agree on ever’thing, though I reckon we agree on a lot, you an’ me. But agree or not, it’s a pretty good idea we know what the other fella’s got for a’ idea of fun.”

“Well, that isn’t my idea of fun.” He returned his gaze to the fire.

Robert put up his hands. “Oh no, no. Me neither. See, but now we know.”

The men sat in silence for a few minutes.

Overhead, a shooting star seared across the sky from east to west.

Dave reached under his jacket and took a cigar from his shirt pocket. He unwrapped it, then bit the end off. He put it up to his mouth and lit it. Around the cigar, he mumbled something that was unintelligible.

“Robert frowned. “What’s ‘at again?”

“What?”

“What you said while you were lightin’ your cigar. I didn’t quite catch it.”

Dave puffed and expelled a stream of smoke. “Oh. Well, nothing really. I don’t want to start a whole big thing.”

“Well hell, you ain’t gonna start nothin’, Dave.” Robert shrugged. “It’s just you an’ me out here, my friend. You ain’t gonna start nothin’ ‘less you wanna start somethin’.”

Dave puffed again, then leaned back on one elbow. “All right, all right. I just said I don’t see how you’d pull off something like that anyway.”

“Oh. Well, a’course I wouldn’t pull it off. I already told you, it don’t interest me.”

“I know. But you did bring it up in the first place, so—” Dave shrugged and took another puff. “I’m just saying, there’s gotta be some kind of interest. Otherwise why would you have mentioned it in the first place. See?”

“Yeah, I see. I mean, I see where you’re goin’, but you’re goin’ wrong. You’re tryin’ to make out like this was all my idea or somethin’. Like I’m some kind’a ol’ perv or somethin’.”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all, that you’re some kind of perv.” Dave grinned. “But it was your idea. I mean, you’re the one who brought it up.”

“Aw man. I’m the one who brought it up, huh? Yeah, I guess I was. At least today. All right.” Robert uncrossed his legs, leaned forward, and stood up. He towered over Dave, and for a moment he looked ominous. His shoulders sloped in the flickering light. Shadows from his chin and nose stretched up along the reflection of the firelight on his skin. “Look, it was just somethin’ to talk about, that’s all. It was just, you know, a topic a’conversation.” He paused for a moment. “We both know what you did, Dave. Anyways, I gotta go pee.” He turned away.

Dave tensed. “Wait. What? What’d you say?”

Robert stopped and turned around. He was frowning. “What? Dang, dude, you’re even whiter than you usually are. You’re freakin’ me out, man. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just tell me what you said a second ago.”

“Okay. I said it was a topic a’conversation.”

Dave shook his head. “No, after that. Just before you said you have to go pee.”

Robert thought for a moment. “Oh. I said you’re actin’ like a kid.”

“No, that ain’t what you said.”

Again, Robert frowned. “What? Then what did I say? I mean, what do you think I said?”

Dave looked at him for a moment. Finally he looked away. “Aw never mind. It ain’t important.”

“Well I know what I said, an’ you’re still actin’ like a kid. C’mon, man, let’s just enjoy the evenin’. I’m sorry I ever brought it up. Now really, I gotta go pee.” He turned away.

Dave uneasily watched as the man faded into the darkness outside the ring of light from the campfire. Why was he asking that kind of question? For that matter, why did he ask that particular question? Anyway, Robert had seemingly dropped the topic.

The wise thing might be to just let it lie, but Dave wasn’t sure he could do that. This was only their first time camping together, but Robert went off by himself for a few nights at a time fairly often. Is that why he had asked? Was he maybe trying to gauge Dave’s interest? No way could he suspect Dave would actually do anything like that. Was it the sort of thing Robert might actually do? 

He decided to fish a little, just to satisfy his curiosity. A bit louder than before so his voice would carry, he said, “Okay, okay. You’re right.” He paused. In the still night, the sounds of a zipper and then of his friend relieving himself were faint, but clear. “Still, you know— I mean, you don’t have a plan yourself?”

His business concluded, Robert started back toward the camp. “A plan? For what?”

“For what you asked me about. Usually, you ask somebody something like that, it’s something you’ve thought about yourself. So do you have some sort of plan?”

Robert resumed his seat near the fire. “No, man. I told you before, I—”

Dave held up his hands. “I know, you’re not interested. But even if you were, you wouldn’t necessarily say so.” Dave took a deep breath. “Okay, so what if I was to say to you right now that yes, I actually have thought about it? And in fact, I think this very night would be a perfect night to—”

Robert cocked his head. “How’s it a perfect night?”

“Well, I mean I assume it would be perfect. For example, it’s cold out and it’s gonna get colder, so everybody’ll be inside. And there’s no moon tonight so it’ll be dark all night. Finally, it’s clear, so there shouldn’t be any rain.” He shrugged. “Seems perfect to me.”

“Okay, go on.”

Dave frowned, obviously getting flustered again. “I’m just sayin’, about your question earlier— if I said I have thought about it and this is a perfect night for it and maybe we ought’a go ahead and do it, are you telling me you don’t have a plan?”

“Well— maybe. I mean, I might have a plan but I don’t think it would be nearly as good as yours. I mean, you already thought about the night bein’ cold and dark and no rain, an’ I never thought anything about those. None of ‘em.”

“Okay, understood, but the point is, if you had a plan, what would it be?”

Robert shrugged. “I don’t know. I figure we’d drive into town, a’course. Maybe find a bar where there’s dancin’. There’s always a few sittin’ by themselves or with friends. But not with men, you know. An’ them sittin’ with friends, you can tell if you watch ‘em if they really wanna be with their friends or if they’re huntin’.

“Then we’d pick out a couple of ‘em.  We’d dance to a few songs, you know, maybe eat a bite as long as we’re in town an’ then—”

Dave held up his hands. “Stop. Just stop. Are you kidding me? That’s your plan?”

Robert frowned. “Sure. What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing if you’re looking for a date and maybe a long-term relationship. But that isn’t what you asked me about earlier.”

“You didn’t let me finish. After we dance an’ maybe have dinner, then—”

“No, just stop, Robert. You gotta think, man. After we dance and have dinner, we’ll have about a hundred witnesses who know what we look like, how we talk and whether we know how to tango.” Dave wagged one hand dismissively. “You really were just screwing around, weren’t you?”

Robert frowned. “Ain’t no reason to be mean, man. So what’s your plan if you know so much?”

Dave looked at him for a moment. Finally he nodded. “All right. Sure, I can lay it out for you. It’s all just fantasy anyway, right?”

“Right. You already said earlier you hadn’t never thought about actually doin’ it.”

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” He thought about it for another moment. “That isn’t exactly what I said. I said there are some things you just don’t think about doing. Now you can take that more than one way. What it really means is, there are some things you just do. Know what I mean? You don’t think about doing them, you just do them.”

“Oh, yeah yeah. I get your meaning. Hey, that’s pretty good. Helps with the conscience too I’ll bet.”

Dave just nodded. “Well, if I was gonna do something like what you were talking about, I’d drive into town, but I’d park out on the edge somewhere.”

“Oh, like one’a them abandoned old gas stations, right?”

Dave shook his head. “Nah. Cops see a truck sitting in one of those places, they know something’s up. No, you gotta park in a place like a café parking lot. Maybe the bus station. Places like that where different cars come and go.”

“Right, right. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Then from there you walk. Now, you’ve already driven through various parts of the town earlier, like a few days ago or maybe the last time you were in that town. Not the same day, though. Somebody sees you, you don’t want to take a chance they might remember you from when you drove by earlier, right?” 

Robert nodded. “Sounds right to me. Man, I ought’a be takin’ notes, shouldn’t I?” He laughed, but there was no mirth in it.

“Okay, so it’s later, like around ten-thirty, maybe eleven. When most people in the area go to bed. And you pick the house where you know there’s a woman by herself and you wait for the lights to go out. Then you give it another twenty minutes or so—”

“To make sure she’s gone to bed, gone to sleep, all that, right?”

“Right, right. And then you try the doors first. You’d be surprised how many of them leave the door unlocked. And even the ones who lock the front door, they leave the back door or side door unlocked.” He shook his head. “A lot of ‘em do that. I mean, from what I’ve heard from other—”

Robert rolled his hands in front of him. “Yeah, yeah, but when the doors are locked, then you try the windows, right?”

“Right. Yeah, then you try the win—”

Robert’s eyes were hard, as if he were in another dimension. “But not just any window, right? Which window is most likely to be open, Dave? I’m guessin’ prob’ly it’d be the bedroom window.”

Dave frowned. “Yeah.” He hesitated. “I mean, I don’t know personally of course, but that would be my choice. The bedroom window, because—”

Robert was rocking barely perceptibly forward and back. “‘Cause so many women feel safe in their own bed inside their own house, right? An’ it was a hot day like today but it’s probably gonna be a cool night so they’re stupid enough to leave the window up a little bit.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. Only I— I wouldn’t call them stupid. Are you all right, Robert?”

“No? They’re not stupid? Okay. I’m sorry. No, I’m fine. Let’s keep going. I want to get all this in my head. So you go in through the bedroom window, right?”

Dave frowned again. “Hey, you’re starting to sound a little upset. You sure you’re okay, Robert? Maybe we ought’a talk about somethin’ else.”

“No. No no. I wanna talk about this, Dave. I want you to talk about this.”

“Okay. Okay. Well, yeah, I’d go in through the bedroom window. Then I’d locate—”

Robert said, “Wait. Let’s move ahead. Let’s say the woman saw you. What would the plan be if you were say halfway in through the window an’ the woman saw you? What would happen then?” 

What a strange question. But then, this whole evening had been strange.

“Halfway in? Like one leg in or whatever?”

“Yeah, yeah. You got one leg in through the window, an’ she sees you an’ maybe she screams or yells or somethin’. Then whaddayou do?” Robert reached inside his blue jean jacket as if for his cigarette pack.

“I— I guess I’d pull my leg back and get the hell out of there. I don’t need no grief like that.”

“Yeah? That’s what you’d do? You sure?” Robert pulled his hand out of his pocket. Cupped in it was a small rectangular piece of paper.

“Well, this is all just make believe, but yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what—”

 “So you wouldn’t just shove your way on in? You sure, Dave?” Robert handed the picture across the fire. “Look at her, Dave. Say it was her. You wouldn’t just crush her to the bed an’ do what you come to do?”

Dave tried to pass the picture back. “Robert, I don’t know what—”

Robert stood up. “No! No, you look at it, Dave! Take a good look.”

Dave turned slightly so he could see the picture more clearly in the firelight. He visibly paled.

“You still sure, Dave? You sure you wouldn’t do what you came to do? You sure you wouldn’t put a pillow over that pretty face to stop her from screamin’? You sure you wouldn’t use her like the crass piece’a crap you are an’ then kill her, Dave?”

Dave looked up, his eyes filled with fear. “What? I— I don’t understand.” He started to stand up. “Robert, what’s goin’—”

Robert pointed at him. “You sit the hell down! You don’t move unless I say so! Look at the picture, Dave. Damnit, you look at the picture.”

Dave looked at the photo again.

Ah. Yes. Yes, he recognized her. He recognized her.

He shook his head. Still looking at the picture, he said, “Robert, this is all a mistake. I— I gotta—”

“Naw, I don’t think so.” There was a plaintive click.

Dave snapped his head up.

Robert was holding a large bore revolver. It was cocked. The firelight illuminated the tips of the bullets in the cylinder. “You ain’t gotta do nothin’, Dave. You already used up all your gottas. You’ve done everything you’ll ever need to do.” Robert motioned toward the fire with the revolver. “My picture— drop it in there.”

Dave dropped the picture. Almost immediately, it shriveled and was gone.

“All right. Now you.” He tossed Dave the roll of duct tape. “Tear off a strip and put it over your mouth. An’ make sure it goes all the way around your head so it’s stuck on itself.”

Dave just looked at the roll of tape, then looked up. “Robert, this is crazy. I ain’t gonna—”

“Do it or I’ll shoot you in the balls.” He extended the revolver. “Please try me.”

Dave tore off a long strip of tape. He put it across his mouth and around his head.

“Good. You startin’ to see what’s goin’ on here, Dave? You startin’ to feel a little trapped, maybe gettin’ a little scared? See, that’s how my Marie felt except you cut off all her air.” Robert stood, then motioned with the revolver again. “Get over there, grab your cot and pull it over here by the pickup.”

Dave did as he was told.

“Now lay down. Face down. An’ put your arms down along your sides.”

Dave shook his head. Fear filled his eyes.

“Go on, just do it. Tomorrow we’ll have us a good laugh down at the police station. Well, I’ll laugh for both of us. But for now I gotta make sure you don’t go nowhere.”

Dave lay down on the cot as instructed.

“Turn your head to the left. After that, if you move, I’m gonna blow you up, you understand?”

Dave nodded.

Robert stuck the revolver in the pocket of his blue jean jacket. He knelt near the center of the cot and tore off a long strip of duct tape. Then he quickly leaned forward and strapped it over Dave’s head directly above his left ear. He folded the ends under the sides of the cot, effectively taping Dave’s head to the cot.

He pulled off another strip of tape and did the same at Dave’s ankles. Then he pulled off two more strips and put one across his thighs just above his knees and another across his lower back. He stepped back and looked at his handiwork. “Good. That’s good.” He looked down at the top of Dave’s head. “I’ll be right back. Don’t you go nowhere now.”

Robert moved about, picking up more wood and building up the fire. When he was finished he had filled the fire pit with wood, mostly mesquite and ironwood. It would burn very hot for a very long time. “Bet you’re gettin’ hot in that down coat. Denim, man. Denim is the answer to the desert.”

For the next hour or so, Robert sat near the cot and talked. He told Dave all about Marie. What she looked like as a baby. Her accomplishments in junior high and high school and college. He talked about her work at the shelters, and how many people she had brought comfort to in her job as a nurse.

“I gotta tell you, Dave, there ain’t never been a man as lucky as I am. You realize, I was actually able to talk that fine woman into marryin’ me? I mean, me! Ain’t no man luckier’n that. ‘Specially you.” He shook his head. “You know, I was such a damn fool, goin’ out campin’ seven, eight times a year. Marie didn’t like camping, so she always stayed home. ‘Course, you already know that, don’t you? Ain’t that ironic, given our current situation?

“What I mean here I am an’ there you are, an’ neither one of us would be here right now if I wasn’t so selfish that I went off an’ left her there alone. Or if you were any kind of a man at all. But you know what the biggest irony of all is, Dave ol’ buddy? The biggest irony of all is there ain’t nobody knows where I am this weekend.

“See, if my Marie was still alive, she could tell folks I went campin’ with you. But with her gone—” He shrugged. “Well, ever’body’ll just think I’m out by myself somewhere like I always am. ‘Course you’re prob’ly wonderin’ how I’ll get back. Then again, I’ll bet you didn’t notice my pickup parked in the café parkin’ lot, did you? You parked two cars down from it, Dave, an’ never noticed. You was too busy admirin’ ol’ Dave to notice a little detail like that.

“Oh, an’ don’t worry about your pickup neither. I’ll take care of it for you. It’ll be a little cube down at the wreckin’ yard about a half-hour after I drive it outta here in the mornin’. See, my brother-in-law owns that, an’ he was only too glad to offer when I told him what I was gonna do. Ain’t that a hoot?”

Dave tried hard to wriggle on the cot. He tried hard to argue, but he couldn’t move. Finally he settled for a kind of low roaring through his nose.

“Yeah, I hear you, brother. I gotta apologize too, Dave. I think I led you to believe I was gonna give you to the cops. Sorry, but that just ain’t gonna happen. I mean, if the situation was reversed— well, you prob’ly still couldn’t figure it out so I’ll skip all that.

“No sir, you an’ me, we’re gonna have us a private little barbecue. You’re the guest of honor, Dave. I think we’re gonna start with a hot dog, if you catch my drift. Then maybe some meatballs on the side. Then next’ll prob’ly come ribs. ‘Course I’m afraid you won’t be around by then, but the critters ought’a eat real good. You know, if they can stand the taste.”

At last the fire had burned low enough so there was plenty of room above the pit.

Robert sighed. “Well, I reckon this is it, my friend.” He stood and moved to the end of the cot.

As Dave squirmed and wriggled and tried hard to scream, Robert dragged the cot toward the fire. When Dave’s groin was directly over the pit, he stepped back. “You like things hot, Dave? You gonna love this.”

* * * * * * *